Friday, November 13, 2015

Conquer the ego and free the soul

Easier said then done, ya know. I think letting go of the ego is the hardest chore we have as humans. It takes us years as children to develop one, learning we are distinct creatures with our own feeling, wants, needs, etc. Then we grow up & need to realize that yes, we are distinct, but that maybe sometimes the things we think are important aren't that big of a deal.
Today at work the tech manager called said one of us techs had to come over to the hospital & help out. Now we get pretty angry about this, mostly because they don't help us when we need it. So the four of us ranted & raged & carried on.
Then I looked at what Buddhist tenet I was going to focus on today, which is the title of this post, & I started looking at it differently. This is my job. What the hell do I care whether I work in my normal position or over in the hospital? I'm getting paid either way, & I'm not having to compromise my beliefs in doing so.
So I volunteered to go over. It was no big deal. And while I was over there I realized something else--I didn't want to help them because I don't feel like I'm great at the job over there any more since it's been 18 months since working at "The Big House". I want to be the best. All the time. And I can't be.
I work with three great techs. They're some of the best you're going to find anywhere. And son of a bitch, I come off feeling like a slacker every day I'm at work because I can't do everything as well as they do.
Why must I be good at everything, I ask myself. And the answer comes back to my post title again: ego. I can't be good at everything, nor should I.
It's a journey.

Monday, November 9, 2015

A Path

Lately I've been feeling like I need to explore where I'm going more. I guess I feel like this because I haven't had a clear idea of where my life is going since 1992. There have been some clear moments, but I certainly haven't felt that there is a true direction or over riding goal governing my choices.
I know a lot of this has to do with being 45 & also with losing my mom. I heard a disturbing story on the radio this morning about how many people in their 40's are on antidepressants & whether they really need to be on them or not. I know there are many people that do need these medications, but there are a lot of folks too that are being told to just medicate their problems away.
Anyway, rambling post. I saw this website & thought it was really neat. So to try to find my path, I'm going to try to focus on one of these life lessons every day. Today was "Give generously to others", so I lamely let my 2 coworkers go to lunch before me. It was something.
Tomorrow is "Free yourself from attachments". Not sure how I'll apply that tomorrow, but I suppose I'll just have to have faith that something will present itself.
So now I shall meditate/zone out on that theme for awhile until I pass out from lack of sleep. Night all!

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Little Pisser

Just got finished cleaning up dog piss again. I can say that it's the worst part of my whole weekend, which means I've had a pretty darn good weekend since the dog pisses a lot.
Puppy's 16th birthday party was Saturday. We had the biggest turn out yet--maybe 40 people! Teddy says he had a great time & enjoyed being around all his friends. The weather was excellent too--60 F & sunny to boot. It's stressful to plan & execute his party every year, but we really love doing it. It's like a big holiday for us.
My mom wasn't at last year's party because of her health. She was having trouble walking at that point & we knew it would have been hard on her. I did a good job yesterday of not thinking about the fact she wasn't there this year & never will be again. Maybe it was a good thing there were so many people & so much to manage in that it left me little time to think of anything at all.
Today was another gorgeous day so we walked at JB park before we got some chores done & then went to my brother's house for my nephew's 18th birthday party. There were only a few of us there, which makes it easier to think about Mom being gone. But we're all so awkward together (at least that's how it feels to me) that I didn't dwell there much.
And now the dog with the most f'd up behavior out there has decided that he's scared of me again (we've owned him for going on 3 years) when I'm trying to put his leash on so Dog can take him for a nice evening walk. I've got no patience left for the the poor thing. Little fluffy white pisser.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015


Today my son turns 16. I can't hardly believe it, mostly because at the time I didn't know how long we'd have him around. He had some pretty serious health problems when he was born, but he's beaten the odds as time has gone on & now he's 16. Yes he has a developmental disability, but I've accepted that & the person he is long ago. I'm just so glad to have him here.
His birthday-November 3, 1999-is the first date that I truly had seared into my mind. I was very lucky in that I didn't experience much trauma or extreme change during my childhood, therefore there was never a date that marked a boundary between "before" & "after" for me. I had plenty of good dates to remember (birthdays of loved ones, my marriage anniversary, etc), but never one like this. It a day that very much embodied Dickens', "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" for me.
It wasn't long after Pup's birth that I then had another date. March 1, 2000. That was the day he had a incredibly traumatic MRI & we found out that the stroke he'd had at birth had grown into a large fluid filled cyst that was starting to squeeze what was left of the right hemisphere of his brain & bulging out his skull. I thought our hard times were over, but they weren't.
Then theres March 10, 2000. That's the day he had brain surgery to drain the cyst. I don't know if I've ever been so terrified in my life as when I had to hand over my sweet baby boy to an anesthesiologist so they could cut open his head. It was a nightmare that ended up being well worth it, but brain surgery is scary. I would like to never feel that kind of fear again.
I had quite a respite from these types of markers until August 5, 2009. That's the day my dad died of cancer. He had a hard end too, difficult to witness & filled with what felt like contrived "family moments" that I hated. I wonder now if I should have felt that way. I worry.
Because the latest date entered into my ledger is April 23, 2015. My mom passed away at 4 am that morning after having a stroke the night before. She had brain cancer that had metastasized from it's original location in her pelvis. 
She was alone when she died. I still feel guilt for this. I worry that this was her greatest fear & that it came to pass due to my callousness. I don't know if I should feel this way or not, but I do. It was hard being her daughter. The constant comparisons, the expectations that I never met, her anger at me for making my own choices, her disappointment--it's been a heavy burden at times. I only felt anger with her for the first 5 months after she was gone. Then suddenly, late in September, grief caught me suddenly. 
Grief doesn't come with a clear date for me I've found. All I know is gradually, over the course of a few days, it visits. And then it makes itself at home & stays. I know I'm in the first flush of sadness about my mom's death & that it's going to take some time to get to the next phase. It will come.