Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Time Marches On

Funny how technology keeps moving forward, making things like Blogger obsolete overnight.  First came Facebook, the instant way to let everyone you know (or only vaguely know) what's on your mind.  Why do I need a blog for that then, except to write book reviews.  Then came Goodreads.  How could I refuse?  I mean come on, no more looking for images of the books I'd read, no linking my blog post to Facebook cause it does it for me.  And so here we are--me only posting on here at times such as this when there's something I want to say, but Facebook just doesn't cut it.  I don't want to throw out there what is going on in my life like so much bread crumbs to be picked over by the birds.  Here's a good outlet for what's going on, but a much reduced audience.  It's like singing in your car--yeah, I know my fellow commuters can see my lips moving & I'm giving them a chuckle, but they don't know what I'm singing.
My mom has cancer.  There, I've said it.  This isn't a new development, unfortunately.  She was initially diagnosed back in August of 2012, but after a stop-gap surgery in September 2012 she's not done anything about it.  And now it's back, as I knew it would be.  I don't know if I would be considered negative, realistic, or pragmatic because of my assumptions.  But whatever the hell you want to call it, it's here.  The big C.  Again.
I could go on & on about my anger toward her because of her denial of her health problems & her selfish way of not taking care of herself.  But what good does that do now?  None.  I know that.
Instead I've decided to not do the same thing she has done.  I've always been good about getting my yearly gyno exam but I've also added on a physical now with my primary care doc.  I've got too much to live for.  And I've decided I'm going to put myself on the top of that list.
That's very hard for me.  I feel as though I've been conditioned all my life to think of others first.  At this point in my life I've gotten tired of being mad at everyone else for what I've decided to do myself, so I'm not gonna go there either.  All our lives we continue to learn & grow & that's what I'm going to do.  Live & grow.
So I think that brings me to my main point.  Dog & I watched Sherlock last night, a show I absolutely love.  As no show is perfect, it has it's flaws.  But this morning as I was idly playing solitaire on the computer & thinking over the show I figured something out.  It's neat how smart Sherlock is, how he can figure everything out.  No real person can.  But it seems to me that if you stay calm in the face of adversity, you can be smart.  That doesn't seem like a very good explanation of my revelation, so let me think of a better way to put it.
Imagine you're at work & all hell is breaking loose.  People are freaking out, running around like chickens with their heads cut off.  But you stay calm & get shit done.  You don't give in to the fear that you're going to fuck up.  You keep on going.
That's how I actually am most of the time at work.  Just keep swimming, as Dory would say.  It's given me a great reputation at work for being someone you can depend on when the shit hits the fan.  I actually start joking around & giving people shit when things are getting ugly there.  It's all good, it's all cool.
Before you think I'm just wonderful, let me tell you about my life when I leave work.  All it is is shit hitting fans.  My house is a big ol' fan, & the shit just keeps on flying at it.  Spatters all over the goddamn place.  And I just sit there paralyzed, scared to death.  Can't seem to do anything.  I find myself loosing hours at a time sitting at the computer, looking at foolish Facebook on my phone, or playing a ridiculous game on the iPad.  The calm is gone there.  I feel like I can do nothing right.  My son is constantly screaming & melting down, the house is an absolute wreck, the dog is jumping on the door to go out then immediately jumping on the door to come in, & the only creature that seems to be ok in the house is Mary Ann the cat.
I'm afraid I've put a lot of the responsibility of staying calm at home on Dog, my husband.  He tries to handle every crisis, every issue, every possibility of something going wrong.  And it's driving him batty.  He has the opposite issue than myself--he laments having the reputation at work of flying off the handle at the slightest provocation.  That's not who he wants to be there.  Who does?  But he's using up his collateral here at home.
So here's my New Year's resolution:  I'm gonna spread the calm.  First I'm gonna spread it with myself at home.  Take it one step at a time.  Try not to freak out when I see a mound of dishes or an overflowing clothes hamper.  Or the piles & piles of clutter stacked precariously all over the place.  I'm gonna take it a little at a time.  Pretend this is a job & I've got this.
Then I'm gonna spread the calm with the others in my home.  Puppy wants to wreck his room?  Fine buddy, wreck the shit outta it.  But now you have to clean it up.  Yep, that provokes another meltdown.  Whatever, that's how he rolls.  There's only so much stuff in his room & eventually he comes walking out of his room saying how he's cleaned it all up.  There you go.  Lesson learned.  Learned the damn hard way, but that's how we do it around here.
Then I need to take some of this responsible feeling off of Dog.  I know he feels like he's picking up my pieces all the time, but that 's my job not his.  So I'm gonna take care of myself & do what I can around here & not sweat that shit.  It's all gonna be good, cause we're together.
Cause what I realized while watching Sherlock (yeah there was a point to that) is that 99% of looking like the smartest person in the room is being the calmest person in the room.  When you stay calm, the people that can actually fix the sewer that is spewing the shit at the fan can calm down too & get it repaired.  Being calm=looking smart=everyone is smart.  Cause everyone is.