Conquer the ego and free the soul

Easier said then done, ya know. I think letting go of the ego is the hardest chore we have as humans. It takes us years as children to develop one, learning we are distinct creatures with our own feeling, wants, needs, etc. Then we grow up & need to realize that yes, we are distinct, but that maybe sometimes the things we think are important aren't that big of a deal.
Today at work the tech manager called said one of us techs had to come over to the hospital & help out. Now we get pretty angry about this, mostly because they don't help us when we need it. So the four of us ranted & raged & carried on.
Then I looked at what Buddhist tenet I was going to focus on today, which is the title of this post, & I started looking at it differently. This is my job. What the hell do I care whether I work in my normal position or over in the hospital? I'm getting paid either way, & I'm not having to compromise my beliefs in doing so.
So I volunteered to go over. It was no big deal. And while I was over there I realized something else--I didn't want to help them because I don't feel like I'm great at the job over there any more since it's been 18 months since working at "The Big House". I want to be the best. All the time. And I can't be.
I work with three great techs. They're some of the best you're going to find anywhere. And son of a bitch, I come off feeling like a slacker every day I'm at work because I can't do everything as well as they do.
Why must I be good at everything, I ask myself. And the answer comes back to my post title again: ego. I can't be good at everything, nor should I.
It's a journey.

A Path

Lately I've been feeling like I need to explore where I'm going more. I guess I feel like this because I haven't had a clear idea of where my life is going since 1992. There have been some clear moments, but I certainly haven't felt that there is a true direction or over riding goal governing my choices.
I know a lot of this has to do with being 45 & also with losing my mom. I heard a disturbing story on the radio this morning about how many people in their 40's are on antidepressants & whether they really need to be on them or not. I know there are many people that do need these medications, but there are a lot of folks too that are being told to just medicate their problems away.
Anyway, rambling post. I saw this website & thought it was really neat. So to try to find my path, I'm going to try to focus on one of these life lessons every day. Today was "Give generously to others", so I lamely let my 2 coworkers go to lunch before me. It was something.
Tomorrow is "Free yourself from attachments". Not sure how I'll apply that tomorrow, but I suppose I'll just have to have faith that something will present itself.
So now I shall meditate/zone out on that theme for awhile until I pass out from lack of sleep. Night all!

Little Pisser

Just got finished cleaning up dog piss again. I can say that it's the worst part of my whole weekend, which means I've had a pretty darn good weekend since the dog pisses a lot.
Puppy's 16th birthday party was Saturday. We had the biggest turn out yet--maybe 40 people! Teddy says he had a great time & enjoyed being around all his friends. The weather was excellent too--60 F & sunny to boot. It's stressful to plan & execute his party every year, but we really love doing it. It's like a big holiday for us.
My mom wasn't at last year's party because of her health. She was having trouble walking at that point & we knew it would have been hard on her. I did a good job yesterday of not thinking about the fact she wasn't there this year & never will be again. Maybe it was a good thing there were so many people & so much to manage in that it left me little time to think of anything at all.
Today was another gorgeous day so we walked at JB park before we got some chores done & then went to my brother's house for my nephew's 18th birthday party. There were only a few of us there, which makes it easier to think about Mom being gone. But we're all so awkward together (at least that's how it feels to me) that I didn't dwell there much.
And now the dog with the most f'd up behavior out there has decided that he's scared of me again (we've owned him for going on 3 years) when I'm trying to put his leash on so Dog can take him for a nice evening walk. I've got no patience left for the the poor thing. Little fluffy white pisser.

Dates

Today my son turns 16. I can't hardly believe it, mostly because at the time I didn't know how long we'd have him around. He had some pretty serious health problems when he was born, but he's beaten the odds as time has gone on & now he's 16. Yes he has a developmental disability, but I've accepted that & the person he is long ago. I'm just so glad to have him here.

His birthday-November 3, 1999-is the first date that I truly had seared into my mind. I was very lucky in that I didn't experience much trauma or extreme change during my childhood, therefore there was never a date that marked a boundary between "before" & "after" for me. I had plenty of good dates to remember (birthdays of loved ones, my marriage anniversary, etc), but never one like this. It a day that very much embodied Dickens', "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" for me.

It wasn't long after Pup's birth that I then had another date. March 1, 2000. That was the day he had a incredibly traumatic MRI & we found out that the stroke he'd had at birth had grown into a large fluid filled cyst that was starting to squeeze what was left of the right hemisphere of his brain & bulging out his skull. I thought our hard times were over, but they weren't.

Then theres March 10, 2000. That's the day he had brain surgery to drain the cyst. I don't know if I've ever been so terrified in my life as when I had to hand over my sweet baby boy to an anesthesiologist so they could cut open his head. It was a nightmare that ended up being well worth it, but brain surgery is scary. I would like to never feel that kind of fear again.

I had quite a respite from these types of markers until August 5, 2009. That's the day my dad died of cancer. He had a hard end too, difficult to witness & filled with what felt like contrived "family moments" that I hated. I wonder now if I should have felt that way. I worry.

Because the latest date entered into my ledger is April 23, 2015. My mom passed away at 4 am that morning after having a stroke the night before. She had brain cancer that had metastasized from it's original location in her pelvis. 

She was alone when she died. I still feel guilt for this. I worry that this was her greatest fear & that it came to pass due to my callousness. I don't know if I should feel this way or not, but I do. It was hard being her daughter. The constant comparisons, the expectations that I never met, her anger at me for making my own choices, her disappointment--it's been a heavy burden at times. I only felt anger with her for the first 5 months after she was gone. Then suddenly, late in September, grief caught me suddenly. 

Grief doesn't come with a clear date for me I've found. All I know is gradually, over the course of a few days, it visits. And then it makes itself at home & stays. I know I'm in the first flush of sadness about my mom's death & that it's going to take some time to get to the next phase. It will come. 

Time Marches On

Funny how technology keeps moving forward, making things like Blogger obsolete overnight.  First came Facebook, the instant way to let everyone you know (or only vaguely know) what's on your mind.  Why do I need a blog for that then, except to write book reviews.  Then came Goodreads.  How could I refuse?  I mean come on, no more looking for images of the books I'd read, no linking my blog post to Facebook cause it does it for me.  And so here we are--me only posting on here at times such as this when there's something I want to say, but Facebook just doesn't cut it.  I don't want to throw out there what is going on in my life like so much bread crumbs to be picked over by the birds.  Here's a good outlet for what's going on, but a much reduced audience.  It's like singing in your car--yeah, I know my fellow commuters can see my lips moving & I'm giving them a chuckle, but they don't know what I'm singing.
My mom has cancer.  There, I've said it.  This isn't a new development, unfortunately.  She was initially diagnosed back in August of 2012, but after a stop-gap surgery in September 2012 she's not done anything about it.  And now it's back, as I knew it would be.  I don't know if I would be considered negative, realistic, or pragmatic because of my assumptions.  But whatever the hell you want to call it, it's here.  The big C.  Again.
I could go on & on about my anger toward her because of her denial of her health problems & her selfish way of not taking care of herself.  But what good does that do now?  None.  I know that.
Instead I've decided to not do the same thing she has done.  I've always been good about getting my yearly gyno exam but I've also added on a physical now with my primary care doc.  I've got too much to live for.  And I've decided I'm going to put myself on the top of that list.
That's very hard for me.  I feel as though I've been conditioned all my life to think of others first.  At this point in my life I've gotten tired of being mad at everyone else for what I've decided to do myself, so I'm not gonna go there either.  All our lives we continue to learn & grow & that's what I'm going to do.  Live & grow.
So I think that brings me to my main point.  Dog & I watched Sherlock last night, a show I absolutely love.  As no show is perfect, it has it's flaws.  But this morning as I was idly playing solitaire on the computer & thinking over the show I figured something out.  It's neat how smart Sherlock is, how he can figure everything out.  No real person can.  But it seems to me that if you stay calm in the face of adversity, you can be smart.  That doesn't seem like a very good explanation of my revelation, so let me think of a better way to put it.
Imagine you're at work & all hell is breaking loose.  People are freaking out, running around like chickens with their heads cut off.  But you stay calm & get shit done.  You don't give in to the fear that you're going to fuck up.  You keep on going.
That's how I actually am most of the time at work.  Just keep swimming, as Dory would say.  It's given me a great reputation at work for being someone you can depend on when the shit hits the fan.  I actually start joking around & giving people shit when things are getting ugly there.  It's all good, it's all cool.
Before you think I'm just wonderful, let me tell you about my life when I leave work.  All it is is shit hitting fans.  My house is a big ol' fan, & the shit just keeps on flying at it.  Spatters all over the goddamn place.  And I just sit there paralyzed, scared to death.  Can't seem to do anything.  I find myself loosing hours at a time sitting at the computer, looking at foolish Facebook on my phone, or playing a ridiculous game on the iPad.  The calm is gone there.  I feel like I can do nothing right.  My son is constantly screaming & melting down, the house is an absolute wreck, the dog is jumping on the door to go out then immediately jumping on the door to come in, & the only creature that seems to be ok in the house is Mary Ann the cat.
I'm afraid I've put a lot of the responsibility of staying calm at home on Dog, my husband.  He tries to handle every crisis, every issue, every possibility of something going wrong.  And it's driving him batty.  He has the opposite issue than myself--he laments having the reputation at work of flying off the handle at the slightest provocation.  That's not who he wants to be there.  Who does?  But he's using up his collateral here at home.
So here's my New Year's resolution:  I'm gonna spread the calm.  First I'm gonna spread it with myself at home.  Take it one step at a time.  Try not to freak out when I see a mound of dishes or an overflowing clothes hamper.  Or the piles & piles of clutter stacked precariously all over the place.  I'm gonna take it a little at a time.  Pretend this is a job & I've got this.
Then I'm gonna spread the calm with the others in my home.  Puppy wants to wreck his room?  Fine buddy, wreck the shit outta it.  But now you have to clean it up.  Yep, that provokes another meltdown.  Whatever, that's how he rolls.  There's only so much stuff in his room & eventually he comes walking out of his room saying how he's cleaned it all up.  There you go.  Lesson learned.  Learned the damn hard way, but that's how we do it around here.
Then I need to take some of this responsible feeling off of Dog.  I know he feels like he's picking up my pieces all the time, but that 's my job not his.  So I'm gonna take care of myself & do what I can around here & not sweat that shit.  It's all gonna be good, cause we're together.
Cause what I realized while watching Sherlock (yeah there was a point to that) is that 99% of looking like the smartest person in the room is being the calmest person in the room.  When you stay calm, the people that can actually fix the sewer that is spewing the shit at the fan can calm down too & get it repaired.  Being calm=looking smart=everyone is smart.  Cause everyone is.

The Year of the Flood by Margaret Atwood ****

I read Oryx and Crake quite a few years ago now.  It's about what happens to the world when the eventual day comes when there are too many people & most of them are living in a horrible state.  It's one of my favorite post-apocalyptic books.  So imagine my surprise when I opened up this book after buying it at a grab-bag sale at the library & seeing that this is the sequel.  Or rather a sort of prequel.  Or maybe just the same story, but told from different characters' views.  Whatever it is, I liked it.

This vision of what happens is from two women that somehow live through the "Waterless Flood"--the plague that kills most of humanity in the not-so-distant future.  The first is Toby, a woman that has lived the typical brutish American life of the future--has to drop out of college because her parents can't continue to pay for it, parents pass away, & she's left fending for herself in a very unfriendly world.  She works at Secret Burger, a fast food restaurant of that serves burgers made out of God-knows-what, hence the name.  But after Toby's boss assaults her repeatedly, she escapes to a different world, the world of the God's Gardeners.

Ren is a young woman who was raised with the God's Gardeners for most of her young childhood.  The cult/religion/survivalist group believes in being strict vegetarians & learning how to take care of themselves without any outside help.  They are waiting for the "Waterless Flood" to come, when the world will be wiped clean again by God & the Gardeners will rise up & take over the stewardship of the Earth just like Noah & his family.  They never write anything down, but memorize animal names & celebrate holidays like Saint Dian Fossey Day & Saint Euell Gibbons Day.  Ren came here with her mother when she left her father for Zeb, a man with a shady past but who knows how to take care of himself.  He teaches the Gods Gardeners how to survive on the gang-ridden violently corrupt streets & is Ren's father figure while she is young. 

The action mostly takes place after the Flood has killed off most of the human population.  Toby has survived by using the skills she's learned from the Gardeners & her own father.  Ren has survived only because she was on quarantine at the upscale brothel she works at as a dancer.  Both women flash back to how they've gotten to this point, & how they might possibly survive from this point on.

My only wish was that I'd more recently read Oryx and Crake so I could have put the puzzle pieces of this story together with the other better.  But suffice it to say I enjoyed this book without having done so. 

Disturbing yet hopeful, I highly recommend both books.

The Hangman's Daughter by Oliver Pötzsch ***

The idea is very intriguing--using your own family's history, write a mystery novel with your relatives as characters!  That's what Oliver Pötzsch did about his ancestors, the Kuisl's, a family of professional executioners.  Set in Bavaria in the 1600's, after the 30 Years War, Jakob Kuisl is the hangman for the town of Schongau.  When a group of children that played together start showing up dead, one by one, Jakob is charged with proving the local midwife innocent of the crimes.  With superstition, allegations of witchcraft, hidden treasure, & hired swords, the action is very intense & the plot thickens nicely.

I was excited to find Schongau in a modern German atlas that my husband has.  He's a high school German teacher, but more importantly he loves history, so when I told him where & when the story was taking place in the book he knew immediately that the 30 Years War was over, but that it had decimated Germany.  The whole area was left in poverty & ruin, & it took many years for the people of the area to get back to what their lives had been before the war.  The war had been very brutal & been fought on German soil, with many atrocities performed on both sides of the conflict.  He told me that many people, especially not from Europe, don't know anything about this war & why it was fought.  We think that the Protestant faith just came about when Martin Luther nailed his list on the door of the church, but that was just the beginning.  The 30 Years' War was the fight for control of Europe--would each country remain firmly Catholic, or would they become Protestant?

I liked the setting, the characters, & the action of the book.  My only personal, petty issue was that I was hoping for a bigger mystery in the end.  I was a little disappointed by the conclusion & found it lacking in believability, but overall it was a great read.  I don't know if I'll read any more of the books Pötzsch has since written about his famous ancestors (they seem to be a series of mysteries), but I definitely don't regret the time I spent reading this book.

Troubles by J.G. Farrell *****

My grandfather emigrated from Ireland when he was about 18 years old, came over on a ship in the 1920's.  His older brother was already here in the Midwest, & after he met my grandmother & settled down he opened a bar & grill.  He died when my mom was in her early 20's, before she'd even met my dad.  So I never met the man, but his presence has loomed large in my life none the less.  St. Pat's Day is always celebrated & I grew up hearing the usual stories about how awful it was in Ireland when he left & how the British were just devils over there.  Don't get me wrong, my family wasn't ever very political in regards to Ireland, but I think that idolizing of the IRA was pretty normal in the US back in the day. 

Troubles will have to go down as one of the most memorable books I've ever read.  I know for a fact that the characters will stay with me for a lifetime.  And most importantly it has forced me to look at Ireland in a different way, in a way that takes some of the righteous, rosy sheen off of it.

The year is 1919 & British Major Brendan Archer has just been released from the hospital with wounds he'd received fighting in The Great War.  He doesn't have any family left except an aged aunt, & maybe a fiancee...he's not sure.  He kissed the girl, Angela, when on leave in 1916 at a resort in England & she's written him quite faithfully the whole time ever since.  With no where else to go & much to forget, he decides to visit her in Ireland at the decaying resort her father owns:  The Majestic.
I'm not much of one for symbolism in literature--I know it's there, but I hate analyzing things that much.  But it's hard to ignore the symbolic people of this book.  The Major is the Young Englishman, the one that is reasonable & understands the inequality of living in Ireland at this turbulent time. 
Edward Spencer, Angela's father, is Old England personified.  He thinks the Catholic majority is barely better than animals, ignorant & useless.  He uses them, & is totally surprised when he finds that they have also used him.
Sarah Devlin, a local girl & friend of Angela's, is Ireland.  She is Catholic, quick-witted, at turns very charming & very cruel. 
The symbolism doesn't stop there-The Majestic itself is dying like the English in Ireland.  The vegetation trying to take over the whole building, but there is always a reminder that it was there.
I think the most important thing that has struck me about this book is the way that Ireland back then was populated by two kinds of people who both considered themselves Irish--the Catholic "natives" & the Protestant "usurpers".  Usurpers that had been there for over 400 years, yet were still separate.  They were a massive part of the society of Ireland for those 400 years, but their role was suddenly & violently removed back in the 1920's. 
I see an Ireland that was full of conflict by choice & bigotry.  It was, & while I was growing up it still was, nothing better than the conflict of Israel & Palestine.  I think because I'm American, that I was raised on the story that the "Old Country" was a wonderful place but for the damned Brits, that I'm surprised by the realization that neither side was "right".  Childish, I know, but sometimes it takes awhile to learn the full story.
A most excellent book, with far more to offer than what I can write here.  I recommend it to all.

Okay for Now by Gary D. Schmidt ****

I listen to NPR a lot in the car.  It's something I've started doing more the past couple years, I guess I'm growing up & want to know what's going on in the world more.  So one day I was driving home from work & they announced a new book for the Back Seat Bookclub.  I'd never heard of it before, but basically it's something I would have liked as a kid--they suggest new books for kids who like to read, & interview the authors.  Okay for Now was the book that day & the interview with Gary D. Schmidt was interesting.  But I forgot all about it when I got home.  As usual.

Then about a week later I was perusing the e-books that are available from our local library to borrow.  I love this very much cause I can't get overdue fees, they just disappear the book off my device!  (I have a chronic problem with getting books back to the library on time.  They've made so much money off me there they must glow with joy when I check out 10 books.)  Anyway, there was Okay for Now in the new arrivals.  And then the little light bulb went off & I remembered the interview & amazingly there was a copy available so I got it.

The story centers around Doug Swieteck, a 14 year old boy living in New York state during the Vietnam War era.  His family life is depressing--his father is an alcoholic, & he physically & emotionally abuses Doug, his older brother Christopher, & his mother.  His oldest brother Lucas is currently in Vietnam, but about halfway through the book he returns home without his legs & his vision at jeopardy.  Doug suffers from the usual adolescent problems, but they're compounded by the crushing responsibility he feels towards his mother's happiness & some other issues that aren't so apparent in the beginning of the book.  When the story opens his family is moving from Long Island to an upstate town called Marysville because of his dad being fired, & Doug's most cherished treasure, a ball cap that Joe Pepitone gave him, has been stolen by his brother Christopher.  As Doug tries to settle in to the new town, he discovers that the local library owns a copy of Audubon's The Birds of America.  He's fascinated by the artistry & is dismayed to find out that 9 of the precious plates have been cut from the book & sold in order to add to the meager funds of Marysville.  And there lies Doug's mission--to make the book whole again.

Overall I think this is a most excellent book for young teens.  It speaks directly to the troubles, both typical & not typical, that come from growing up.  As Doug blossoms in the book it brought me a great feeling of hope in the future, a hope that I'd like to think still comes to kids as they leave those difficult "awkward" years behind.  My only issue with the book was the overwhelming amount of issues that are addressed in it.  For example:  the Vietnam War, alcoholism, domestic violence, learning disabilities, physical disabilities, cancer, etc.  As an adult it was a little much, but I don't think younger readers will be dismayed by them.  Mr. Schmidt has broached a lot of topics that are good to introduce to young adults, & in the guise of an excellent story. 

Night of the Living Trekkies by Kevin David Anderson & Sam Stall *****

Imagine, if you will, that you've survived two tours in Afghanistan.  Now imagine that you're working at a second-rate hotel in Houston as a glorified bell boy.  Now imagine that the GulfCon Star Trek convention has come to your hotel.  And now, to throw the cherry on top, imagine that everybody is turning into flesh-eating zombies.  And there you have it.  The funniest book I've read in awhile.

Jim Pike doesn't want to do any kind of job with any kind of responsibility ever again after loosing a couple men in Afghanistan.  But when the zombies attack Houston, Jim is left in a position where he has to do the right thing--kill the heck out of every walking dead he comes across.  Along the way he meets "Leia", a beautiful Amazon of a gal who happens to make extra money by dressing up as Princess Leia & making movies where Trekkies go off on Star Wars fans.  Also Gary, the ultimate Trek trivia buff; Willy, a member of a local red shirt league, & a massive Klingon that makes custom blades to sell to the followers of Trekdom.  Throw in also his younger sister who happens to be at the convention also, & you've got a rag-tag group of groupies fighting their way out of the hotel from hell.

Yes, you have to be a Star Trek fan to enjoy this book.  The constant references to the show are hilarious & on the mark every time.  I kept waiting for the story to fall apart, but it never did.  It remained excellent throughout.  I highly recommend it to anyone who loves the show (original, Next Gen, DS9, Voyager, even the cartoon), you will not be disappointed.  And I've gotten my new mantra to say to myself when times are tough:

"Now let's put aside your personal baggage and try to think about how Kirk would handle this."

A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens *****

A close second to Great Expectations as my favorite Dickens novel, I thought I'd re-read this gem since it's been at least 14 years since I have previously.  A couple things struck me this time, one being the horrible conditions in France for the poor at the time of the revolution.  If you really consider it for a moment, how bad would it truly have to be for a people that had never known another system of government other than monarchy to decide that they didn't care what they got, they just couldn't stand living the way they were anymore.  I know that Dickens wrote with a bit of British bias about the French, especially since England was scared to death at the time that it's populace would rise up against King George also.  I'm sure the average English peasant wasn't treated that much better than the average French one, though. 

Another observation is that the horrible inequality of the haves & the have-nots can be deadly.  It's hard not to compare, just a little, to what is going on in the US right now with the rich getting so much richer while the people with the least are treated more harshly all the time.  The debate as to whether the rich should be taxed more becomes pretty moot when the "huddled masses" are angry & downtrodden.  One quote stuck with me:

Crush humanity out of shape once more, under similar hammers, and it will twist itself into the same tortured forms.  Sow the same seed of rapacious license and oppression over again, and it will surely yield the same fruit according to its kind.

No, I don't think we're on the verge of an anarchistic revolution.  But I do think that our politicians need to remember why a certain government benefit is called Social Security--it keeps our society secure. 

The Misremembered Man by Christina McKenna ***

Two posts in one day!  Wooo hooo!  I'm trying to make up for some lost time here, since I've been a real slacker recently.  I got a new Kindle for my birthday this year (my old one had a very unfortunate accident that we won't mention...) & I was excited to see that if you join Amazon Prime you can access the Kindle Lenders Library, which means I can read one of those titles a month for free.  Pretty nice, especially since I've been locked out of my library account & can't borrow any ebooks at the moment (don't ask about that either, it's a long story involving fines.  I'm basically a mess right now.).  I didn't consider the titles, just went with the first one that looked decent to me & that's how I ended up with this book.

The setting is 1975 in rural northern Ireland & Jamie McCloone is mourning the loss of his beloved Uncle Mick.  At 41 years old he's rather set in his ways, but loneliness & the demons from his past force him to try to find some companionship.  Lydia Devine is tired of being her mother's keeper.  When an invitation to a school friend's wedding comes in the mail she realizes that finding a date for the event could be the beginning of a new life for her.  Both Jamie & Lydia's lives intersect when their well meaning friends suggest they look at the "Lonely Hearts" ads in the local newspaper.  With a series of comedic-& sometimes almost tragic-errors, the two lonely 40-somethings slowly make their ways towards each other.

The descriptions of loneliness & also of the hideous conditions in Irish orphanages are some of the best parts of this book.  It's painful to think of any child having to go through what the main character does as a child, but when you multiply that by 100's & realize that most of the orphans didn't ever get a forever home like Jaime did, you realize what a tragic place Ireland was for many people. 

I was a little irritated by what seemed to me like the stereotypical accents & typical characterizations of the characters, but that was easy for me to get over as I read the book.  Overall I recommend The Misremembered Man.  Not a great work of literature, mind you, but a touching story about family & finding them where you can.

Goblin Secrets by William Alexander ***

Again my apologies for taking so long to post.  Is it just me, or are blogs just not as popular anymore?  I think Facebook has taken a lot away from them, but in a way that's such a shame.  You only get a few characters on Facebook & there's really no way to adequately describe how you felt about a book on there.  But technology & life go on, & where Facebook now is I'm sure there will eventually be something new.  Things never stand still & change is always going to be there.  I guess I might as well make friends with it!

Goblin Secrets won the National Book Award for children's literature this past year, so I thought it would be a great choice to give a try.  I didn't find it great, but it was very interesting.  It takes place in an alternate world where I have to admit I get very confused.  There are goblins there, but their version of goblins aren't what I think most of us think of as goblins.  They used to be people, but were transformed somehow (it doesn't tell how that happens in the book) & most people fear them.  But they don't seem to do the humans in the book any harm, they simply are traveling performers.  There's a great deal of clock-work characters running around too, which was also rather confusing to me.  I think the most confusing thing right now is that it's been quite awhile since a read the book & I'm only left with vague impressions, & therefore can't really give a good description of what the book was really about. 

Yes, this is one lame review!  But I do hope that this doesn't deter anyone from reading the book.  Like I said, it wasn't bad, just very different.  It's kinda like reading a Tolkien book & entering Middle Earth in only about 100 pages.  Probably good for the younger set, if they can let go of their fetters & just enjoy the ride.

The Round House by Louise Erdrich ***

I finished this book a couple weeks ago, but have simply been too lazy to review it.  But the news coming out of Connecticut today has somehow spurred me into getting this done.  I suppose it has to do with the violence.  How can someone do this to a group of children?  These were probably kindergartners.  I cannot fathom the hatred this young man must have felt for his mother to kill not only her but her students. 

This book opens with a violent act, & as it progresses you see how violence begets violence, fear & hatred.  Joe is 13 years old & lives on an Indian Reservation in North Dakota.  The year is 1988, a year I remember well.  It starts with a boy who is a typical teenager with typical worries & joys.  And it shows how one act of violence changes him, takes away that innocence that President Obama referred to today in his speech.  He will never be the same.
Joe & his father, a tribal judge, are doing yard work on a weekend when they realize that Joe's mom, Geraldine, has been gone a long time for just picking something up at the office.  They get in the car to look for her & pass her coming back home.  But something is wrong.  When they pull up at home she won't get out of the car.  When the men try to get her out, the awful truth starts to sink in.  She's been raped.  A violent & horrible act.  As his father drives them to the hospital, Joe sits in the back seat with his mother's head on his lap.  And his world is forever changed.  He will not be the same.
The Round House is about how we deal with our rage.  What's the correct way?  I certainly don't know.  I know if I were one of the parent's of the children who were murdered today in Connecticut, I'd want to hurt someone.  But what do you do when the one who did the killing is dead already?  There's no one left to hate.  How do you continue to live? 
I will be thinking of those families.  I hope they find peace someday.  I have no idea how they will, though.

A Storm of Swords & A Feast for Crows by George R. R. Martin ***

Sometimes there's nothing more painful than to get heavily invested in some characters in a book.  When you've been experiencing their lives for awhile, it seems as though they should listen to you, the reader, and do what you feel would make sense for them to do.  You know them, after all, you've been through a lot with them and you know what's best for them.  But do they listen?  Never.

That's been my experience with the latest books I've read of The Song of Ice and Fire.  If these people would just listen to me, it would all be just fine.  Take the other direction.  Or hey, that's not who you think it is!  It's whats-his-name!  Or why the heck can't you figure out what's going on?  I have!  Just hole up in some forest in Westeros and wait for the grand entrance of You-Know-Who.  Cause it seems as though every direction these characters take leads to more trouble.  I'm getting exhausted for their sakes!

And that brings me to my other frustration--the pace became incredibly slow over these past two books also.  Scenarios that could have just been summed up later were laboriously acted out in detail.  It got to where I almost wanted to just skim ahead and see if anything developed.  I didn't, but especially in A Feast for Crows it wouldn't have mattered--nothing really did develop.

Now that I've gotten that out of my system, I do still like these books very much.  I am heavily invested in the characters as I said before, and I'd just love for them to be ok.  Might not happen ever, but I'd sure like that.  Obviously it's well written in that I sometimes have to remind myself that these folks don't really exist!  In fact their whole world doesn't.

I'm going to take a break from the last book in the series and give myself and the characters a much needed rest.  Maybe when I resume I won't be so anxious for them!

A Game of Thrones & A Clash of Kings by George R. R. Martin *****

So I'd heard about this series via Facebook friends who were either watching the show on HBO or reading the books.  Since I don't have HBO & I needed a good book to suck me in, I started reading A Game of Thrones. 

As you can probably figure out, I liked it.  I liked it so much that instead of reviewing it on here, I got the next book from the library & started in on that one.  As it stands now, I just picked up the third one, so I figured if I'm gonna ever get these boys talked about I better get crackin'!

Westeros is a large island nation that has been ruled by Robert Baratheon for the past 10 years.  He gained the right to the Iron Throne when he killed the heir in hand-to-hand combat with a war hammer.  If that sounds brutal, then you better not read these books.  Based loosely on medieval England, but with a lot of cool stuff like dragons, direwolves, & zombie folks that live in the cold wastes of the north, I've loved ever minute I've spent with my nose in these books.  The main characters are of the family Stark, lords of Winterfell & past Kings of the North.  Lord Eddard Stark has 5 children that Martin delights in messing with as he unfolds his tale.  Every time I think one of them will finally get a break, BAM! he throws some god-awful obstacle up against them again. 

These books are graphic in their depiction of violence & honest in how people lived in medieval times.  Most lives were ugly, brutish, & short.  But the drama & historic sweep of the novels are wonderful.

That's enough writing about it.  I've gotta start book 3!!

The Buddha in the Attic by Julie Otsuka ****

I've never heard the radio play by Dylan Thomas called Under Milkwood performed, though I always wanted to after I read it.  I got interested in Thomas when I read some of his short stories back when I was in college.  Sometimes they annoyed me & I couldn't finish them, but other times they were so right that they are singed into my memory.  One short story in particular I will remember forever, but I haven't been able to find it again.  I don't know where I read it but it's one of those quests that will define my life--where is that story?

The Buddha in the Attic reminds me of Under Milkwood because of the way it is written.  You get to hear the inner voices of a group of people, a community, what they're thinking & how they're living.  Thomas wrote of a Welsh fishing village, but Otsuka writes of the community of Japanese picture brides that came to the US after the turn of the century.  I know it sounds very different, but for some reason it was rather similar to me.

I can't imagine how brave & scared those women had to be, coming to a totally foreign land to marry men they'd never met, men that they only had pictures of & letters full of promises.  When they got to our shores many found that not only were their new husbands not the men in the pictures, but they were desperately poor.  These women who hoped for a better life across the ocean found themselves in just as much hardship as what they'd left.  And through this book their voices speak again, about the women that started laundry businesses with their husbands, or started farming rented land.  Or worked as maids for the rich ladies of San Francisco, or became prostitutes.  You hear them talk of how they learned to love their husbands, or never stopped hating them.  Of how they were worked almost to death, & had to claw their way up the ladder of success.  You hear them mourn the loss of children & grow weary at the birth of yet another. 

You get to become part of their community for a short while, just as you became part of the fabric of Milkwood for a short while too.  But unlike Dylan Thomas' fictional village, the story of the women of Japan who came to America is real.  And it comes to a screeching halt when their homes, stores, businesses & farms are suddenly empty & abandoned.  It ends in 1942. 

A very good book.  It left me haunted by voices.

All the Pretty Horses by Cormac McCarthy ***

I've always loved horses.  Watching them run in a horse race is one of my favorite things to do, though I've never seen a race live--just on TV.  I took a riding class in college for one of my PE credits & learned to ride English.
But I have to admit that I still sometimes get scared of how big they are.  I had a lot of trouble when I was younger being assertive with them, letting them know I was boss.  I haven't ridden one now for 20 years, so I don't know how I'd handle it.  I've changed a lot in the past 20 years, I might be more confident about being in charge.  Or I might be less.
John Grady Cole is the hero of All the Pretty Horses, and he has a great love of the animals.  He seems to be able to sense things about them that others can't, and he values them almost as much as he values people.  He's a very loyal young man with a firm sense of who he is.  And he's only 16 years old when he and his pal Lacy Rawlins decide to head south into Mexico to seek their fortunes.  John Grady has nothing to lose--the ranch he grew up on was owned by his maternal grandfather.  When his grandpa dies the ownership went to his mother, who is a want-to-be actress who hates living on the ranch.  His parents are estranged, especially after his father was presumed dead during WWII while a POW in the South Pacific.  And so the ranch will be sold.  And everything that's important for John Grady will be gone.
This story of the boys' misadventures in Mexico has some humorous moments, especially whenever Rawlins is involved.  You can just hear these boys talking to each other in their Texas drawls, Rawlins wearing his new boots, breaking some horses.
But mostly the story is about the brutality of our southern neighbor.  The absolute and irrevocable justice of life, the common story of wrongful death.  I wish I could say Mexico has changed a lot since the 1950's, the setting for this book.  But as many of us know, the violence of Mexico lives on, and tries to spread over the border into the US constantly and successfully.
Quite a few years ago this book was the choice for the Reader's Review on the Diahn Rehm Show on NPR.  I hadn't read it yet, but I remember one of the readers mentioning that the profound reasoning and deep introspection of John Grady Cole just didn't fit with any 16 year old boy he'd ever met.  I have to agree.  I don't understand why the two main heroes weren't portrayed just a few years older, but Cormac McCarthy may have his reasoning.  I know this is the first of three books about this part of the country at this time, called collectively The Border Trilogy.
Overall I thought some of the imagery of the book both beautiful and haunting.  It was an upsetting book in it's violence, but not in it's presence.  It's hard for me to explain, but maybe it's because of it's unfairness.  I think as I get older I've become less of a realist and more shallow in some ways--I just want to read something where everyone is OK in the end.
This was a beautifully written book, but I don't see myself reading the other two books in the trilogy.  I just wasn't able to take the reins of this book and control it--in the end it controlled me and got me down.

Salvage the Bones by Jesmyn Ward ****

This summer we went down to the Gulf for vacation.  Our first stop was Biloxi, Mississippi.  We went directly to the tourism center, which is housed in a beautiful antebellum mansion right on the beach.  It was a gorgeous house & Puppy was especially impressed with the porches on both the first & second floors that had some nice ceiling fans.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that this building had only just opened last year.  The original house, which had stood there for many years, was completely destroyed by Hurricane Katrina.  Biloxi had painstakingly rebuilt it to look exactly like it had before.

As we drove along the main drag we noticed several blank spaces in between other homes & businesses.  It was then that the destruction that Katrina had unleashed on the gulf coast really hit home for me.  Being from the middle of the US & not having much experience of being around the ocean I never really could wrap my head around the images I saw of the post-Katrina apocalypse.  Being there made it much more real.

Salvage the Bones is about the days leading up to Katrina & it's immediate aftermath.  It's the story of Esch, a 14 year old girl living in poverty in Bois Sauvage, Mississippi.  Her mother died 6 years ago giving birth to her little brother.  She lives with her drunken father & her 3 brothers:  Randall, the oldest who takes care of everyone; Skeetah, who loves his pit bull China more than most people; & Junior, who's lived his life not knowing his mother & being raised by Esch & Randall.

The family lives in extreme poverty on a patch of land called The Pit just outside of town.  Never is there any reference in the book to there being a female that Esch calls friend.  It's just her & her brothers & their friends--that's the whole circle of her world.  She's in love with Randall's best friend, Manny, who uses her for her body & then never acknowledges her otherwise.  She discovers that she's pregnant just as Skeetah's dog China gives birth to her first litter of puppies, & from that moment on her story, China's story, & the story of Medea (she is reading Bulfinch's Mythology for school) all become intertwined as the book unfolds.

I'd never heard about this book before, even though it won the National Book Award a few years back.  I wonder if maybe it's because of the references to & descriptions of dog fighting, which has come more into the spotlight since Michael Vick was arrested for it.  It's such a horrible sport, but the way Ward describes the bizarre way in which these boys love their dogs, yet fight them so brutally, is mesmerizing.
 
Love & death.  The two eternal mysteries, told in a compelling & touching way by Jesmyn Ward.  Katrina the destroyer--it's the stuff of mythology.

Swimming in Mud

Over 3 months.  I can't say I haven't read anything, but what I've read has been rather light.  It's been hard.  I don't know why exactly, other than maybe I've been depressed. 

Funny how writing about what I've been reading & how I've been feeling go hand in hand.  Maybe because you have to be in a mental place, a good place, to read & analyze what you think of a book.  I haven't been clear of head to make the effort to figure out what I think of anything I read. 

Trying to figure out why I feel this way seemed complicated.  But once I started thinking about it, it was rather simple.  There has a been a firing spree at my job & it frightens & disturbs me.  I've worked at the same place for 15 years & in that time I've formed relationships with my fellow workers that transcended the normal acquaintanceship.  It has to do with Puppy's traumatic birth & first 5 months of life.  He was born at the hospital I work at & in that time period he was hospitalized there 11 more times.  During those stressful months when Dog & I didn't know if Puppy would live or die, the people I work with acted as a huge support to us.  They bought us dinner & brought it by our apartment.  They collected money on Christmas Eve & one of my coworkers blushingly brought a card by Puppy's hospital room with the unknown-to-us cash inside & just said, "Merry Christmas".  Over $100.00 spontaneously gathered in a matter of a couple hours.  When my ETO ran out, they donated their own to me.  It was a large check, one that helped us buy a house.  In short, they were another family to me.  A bizarre, dysfunctional family filled with some very odd people, but then again don't all families fit that description?

And now some of them are effectively dead to me.  I've never been one to have a lot of interaction outside of work with my co-workers.  There are always a couple that are closer to me, but most are just people that I truly enjoy talking to while doing my job.  So when I come to work after being off a day & find out that someone I've worked with the whole time I've been at this hospital has been summarily fired, even though they may have worked there for more than 30 years, it's like they're gone.  I didn't communicate with them outside of work, so it would be odd to contact them now.  But I so miss them.
And so I've been grieving.  And I've been scared.  There hasn't been a firing since May, but that might not mean anything.  I try not to take it personally or get too worked up about it, & I've been doing a pretty good job of that lately.  But a part of me has been hurt badly. 
So just in the past 2 weeks I've felt like the swimming has gotten easier.  I've started a book I have to think about deeply in order to grasp, so we shall see what happens.  If anybody is still out there, thanks for hanging on.